November. Time for bad news (Thanks, Wima):

He said -- Want a quickie?
She said -- As opposed to what?

He said -- I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said -- You wear briefs, don't you?

He said -- Two inches more, and I would be king
She said -- Two inches less, and you'd be a queen

He said -- What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said -- Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said -- Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said -- Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said -- Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said -- That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

News from the Advanced Computer Science Lab (thanks Dr.Winkelmann):

Printing :

The two best jokes about psychoanalysis I ever heard:

"Please kiss me, doctor!"
"You know I can't do that. Strictly speaking, I shouldn't even be lying next to you on the couch."

---

After twelve years of psychoanalysis, my analyst said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: "No hablo inglés."

(It's everywhere these days):
Foot In Mouth Disease.

News from the airline safety department. (Thanks, George.)

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, submitted by pilots of the world's safest airline, Qantas, to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve them.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance engineers.

OK, please fasten seat belts and refrain from smoking. Welcome to the world of qantas mechanics:

P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P - #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.

P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.

P - Autopilot, in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P - Evidence of a leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they're there for!

P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words

"Intelligence is like 4-wheel drive: it enables you to get stuck in more remote places."

VIRUS ALERT!!!

Some really nasty shit out there again!

The latest is a Polish e-mail virus. Fiendishly clever. It is not an attachment, comes right in the text section of the mail and will not be detected by any known anti-virus shield!!! It works on the honor system. Tells you in a very friendly and absolutely irresistible way to please delete all the files on your hard drive and manually forward the virus to everyone on your mailing list.

So don't open any e-mails whatsoever. Better yet, don't even go near your computer at all. We'll send a message to let you know when it's safe again.

News from the legal department (Thanks, George):

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

From my collection of (restroom) graffiti. Partly translated from German and French. CAUTION: Some of this is adult material, so if you are under 18, and you don't know what ambidextrous means or who Godot is, ask your mom or dad.

• God is dead. --Nietzsche--
  Nietzsche is dead. --God--
• The unexamined life is not worth living. --Socrates--
  The unlived life is not worth examining. --Someone in San Francisco--
• Just a sec. --Godot--
• Everybody writes on walls. Only I don't.
• Better schizophrenic than completely alone.
• (In big letters on a white wall in Paris): What a nice white wall.
• Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
• Down with the elevator!
• Eat shit. 10 billion flies can't be wrong!
• I'm going nuts. Wanna come along?
• No cock is as hard as life.
• Better an open mind than an open leg.
• Everything's getting worse. Only one thing gets better: morals get worse too.
• Better suspenders than no support at all.
• Most people are born an original and die a copy.
• I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.
• Wanking makes forgetful - or was it fishing?
• In dubio pro deo.
• There is no gravity. The earth sucks.

So what's new in the wildlife department? (thanks Paul and Mary):

The California State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions this summer and keep alert for bears while in the Mammoth Mountain, June Lake and Devil's Postpile areas. They are advising people to wear noise-producing devices such as small bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
People are also encouraged to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have small bells in them and smell like pepper.

News from The Dark Side of The Farce. (Thanks, George, and Lisa):

• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
• Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
• Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.
• Junk is something you throw away three days before you need it.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

---

• How can you make Holy Water at home?
  You boil the hell out of it.
• What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
  Dam!
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
  A stick.
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
  Nacho cheese.
• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
  Anyone can roast beef.
• Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
  Because they have big fingers.
• What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
  The location of the dirt bag.
• What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
  A bad golfer goes: "Whack, damn!"
  A bad skydiver goes: "Damn, Whack!"
• How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
  Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

---

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Well, this is an equal opportunity site. So here we go (thanks, Lisa):

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. When would you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q: Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

1-800-PSYCH

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you have anxiety disorder, please try to press 2 very cautiously.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 3.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

---

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to be willing to change.

(Not so very long ago, remember? Thanks, Trish. Of course, I added the indecent stuff!)

Life in the 90's.

• You need a password to get into your sock drawer.
• You think of three espressos as "getting wasted".
• You're trying to set your laser printer on stun.
• You have 15 phone numbers to reach a family of three.
• Your cell phone rings in the middle of a lecture. The lecturer says: "Set it to vibrator and stick it where it feels good."
• You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
• You call a hotline to find out whether your blow dryer is Y2K compliant.
• Your son e-mails you from his room: "What's for dinner?"
• You take an HTML class called "From Tags to Riches".
• Your spouse asks for a divorce and you post the response on your website.

(News from the computer science department. (Thanks, George.)
Just in case you didn't know either: Here's what's going on "Inside"):

Dr. Seuss explains computers:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data are corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot it and just go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet: your system's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
When you have to flash your memory and try to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to call your mom.

(A couple of e-mails, slightly edited. Thanks, Pam, and George)

Life's Questions...

• Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
• If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
• So what's the speed of dark?
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
• If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

...And Answers

• I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 90 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good...
• I have a mind like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Quantum mechanics - the dreams stuff is made of.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

(After you've read all the books on the subject, is this what it boils down to?):

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

A Man's Rule of Thumb: Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

(News from the department of mathematical theology. Thanks, Swami Beyondananda's brother):

Beyondananda's brother's definition of God:

(A little piece of editorial advice here: let this sink in before you proceed! This is as deep as it gets!)

---

Beyondananda's brother's proof that by divine intervention all things are indeed one:

Let A = 1, B = 1

1. A = B
   
2. A*A = A*B
   
3. A*A-B*B = A*B-B*B
   
4. (A+B)(A-B) = B(A-B)
   
5. (A+B)(A-B)/(A-B) = B(A-B)/(A-B)
   
6. A+B = B
7. 2 = 1
   

(God appears in line 5!)

Sometimes (as in a recent article by Jean Houston , Noetic Sciences Review, 32, 1994), I can't figure out for the life of me whether New Age authors use scientific terms metaphorically or as factual descriptions.
What is "planetary DNA"? And what is "a different frequency band from that of our body"?
Beats me. Probably I don't know enough about the sciences involved here:

There is a rather prestigious journal called Journal of Clinical and Consulting Psychology. Back in 1985 I produced one issue, actually one copy, of a Journal of Cynical and Insulting Psychology. This is drawn from it:

Brief therapy

Case transcript:

Th.: What's up?
Cl.: Trouble.
Th.: I see.
Cl.: Thanks. That helps.
Th.: You're welcome.
Cl.: How much?
Th.: 85.
Cl.: VISA?
Th.: Sure.
Cl.: Bye.
Th.: Bye.